The Evolution of the Hipster : 2000 - 2009 at 12/06/2009

Paste magazine brilliance.

http://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2009/12/the-evolution-of-the-hipster-2000-2009.html

The 2008 'Williamsburg' is my personal fave, about the only one I'm yet to see in real life. Kinda glad it's stuck in the upper east side or wherever the fuck they hang out.

I give it a year til Londonites looks this retarded.

The first guy, 'Emo' isn't what I'd class as emo, or actually that retarded, but the others make me rage. Maybe I'm just bitter I'm not 'cool', iunno.

Cats > Anything. at 12/04/2009

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! at 12/02/2009

So cute I almost wet myself.

The dating game. at 11/02/2009

Posting life again for once. Been busy is all, entered an actual relationship with dates and shit instead of just sex, backhands, tears and binge drinking.

It's going surprisingly well too.

Also.. C.S.I right?

80's Video Dating Montage at 10/29/2009

Brilliant, enjoy.

Ether / Ketamine? I want whatever it is. at 10/14/2009

"There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge."

(Stops for a few seconds every now and again, shitty security camera, but comes back quickly)


 

GET ON MY HORSE at 10/12/2009

Can't. Stop. Watching.

CLICK!!

Look at this fucking hipster at 10/09/2009

I hate hipsters with a passion.

Share my disdain.

http://www.latfh.com

(First post in a while I know, been busy being lazy).

R.I.P Roc Raida at 9/20/2009

 Dead at 37.  One of the best turntablists ever.

I'm just a regular everyday normal motherfucker. at 9/18/2009

Not the best, but close to it. at 9/18/2009

'Cos Roger was.




I love bums & hobos.

One of my favourite quotes is from a boxcar hobo :

I've got a philosophy.. maybe I'm wrong or maybe my philosphy is fucked up ok? But there's two things I do not like, and these make me a bum. & that's responsibility and authority. I'm serious.
I'll give you anything I got, if you ask me for it. Or I'll do anything you want me to do, if you ask me to. But if you tell me I gotta do it, I don't know what it is but there's something inside of me that says 'Fuck this motherfucker man, you ain't gonna do it.' You know what I mean?

C'mon Son at 9/17/2009

I got burgled. at 9/12/2009

Motherfucker.

Came home last night at like 10pm, TV cabinet was pulled out and the Xbox360 & about 100 fucking DVDs missing. Bedroom window smashed so the cunt could reach through and open it.

Smash and grab by the looks of it, coulda took loads more. Daytime hit too.

Anyway, someone rung me this morning and gave me the guys name & where he lives, and told me that he's a smackhead. Shit is going to go down.

I'm pretty much a pacifist but I hate thieves, hate smackheads, and love my Xbox, so I think this is one of those times where a bit of violence & revenge criminality is morally acceptable.

To the batcave!

Dubstep .. at 9/10/2009

Not really jumped on the dubstep thing myself, might have to soon.

This tune is fucking incredible.

Pepsi at 9/09/2009

Liquid crack.

Maybe I'm weird .. at 9/09/2009

.. or maybe I just don't know how to accurately describe what I'm thinking.. but does anyone else clock how words make sense, only once you de-construct them?

I watched a 9/11 programme the other night (INSIDE JOB RARGHGHAA), and it was obviously about the WTC skyscrapers. Then I thought.. whoa.. skyscrapers. They're sky-scrapers.. 'cos they scrape the sky so to speak. They so tall. It all makes sense!

That was the latest word that just hit me randomly, but it's happened to me plenty the past year, when I'll suddenly clock a word in that way.

Is it just me though?

Like I just think/say words without really giving them much thought, I just associate them with objects yeah.. but then if I stop and think.. I get the obvious literal type meaning in the way the words been made. Know what I mean?

Like I don't think about the word when I say it, it's just the word for that 'thing'.

Computer. It computes. So it's a computer. Yeah?

Obvious right? But for some reason I had a little tingle of joy/self-adulation when I thought about it and realized.


To be fair, most people look at me like an idiot when I try and explain this, but I'm (kinda) sure I'm not mentally retarded.

You and me .. at 9/08/2009

Six billion of us walking the planet, six billion smaller worlds on the bigger one. Shoe salesmen and short-order cooks who look boring from the outside - some have weirder lives than you. Six billion stories, every one an epic, full of tragedy and triumph, good and evil, despair and hope. You and me, we aren't so special, bro.

Bevlak Sugar Skulls at 9/08/2009

These would make great tattoos IMO. Top stuff.

Click here for the full set.

Danny MacAskill is amazing. at 9/07/2009

I hate that he makes me feel inferior, but still.. incredible stuff.

Filmed over the period of a few months in and around Edinburgh by Dave Sowerby, this video of Inspired Bicycles team rider Danny MacAskill features probably the best collection of street/street trials riding ever seen. There's some huge riding, but also some of the most technically difficult and imaginative lines you will ever see. Without a doubt, this video pushes the envelope of what is perceived as possible on a trials bike.

The Truth at 9/07/2009

Beeyootiful.

I come with the truth, whole truth and nothing but.. 'cos the truth hurts ..

Fuck you .. at 9/07/2009

.. I'm an anteater.

Suicide Girls at 9/04/2009

Girls with tatts and piercings rock my world, naturally. http://suicidegirls.com is where they congregate.

By far my favourite is the lovely Bully. Check out her pic set hurrrr. [NSFW]

By far one of the sexiest women on the planet. The knuckle duster tatt and the lovely pubic area pattern.. fuck yes.

Enjoy.

I just lost the game. at 8/31/2009

Yeah, damn.

I haven't posted life. at 8/28/2009

For a while. Partly laziness, mainly because fuck all has happened worth blogging about.

And so, here's a list of mundane but life-related happenings for me as of late.

I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed the actual experiences.

• I finally turned that girl loose, and managed to keep the phone. Smooth.
• I'm 3 sessions into that tattoo. £80 a time is fucking killing me though.
  
• I started painting graffiti again. Bombing/vandalising anyway.
  
• That's about it. Life is great.
  

Three Frames at 8/28/2009

A website where three frames of a movie are played over and over, making trippy seizure-inducing images.

http://threeframes.net

Twitter sucks. 'Cept this .. at 8/24/2009

..

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

highDEAS at 8/24/2009

The best ideas when you're high.

http://highdeas.com

Some gems include :

Midget Village

Buy a forest. Adopt 8 midget babies every year (mixed race). Be the only non-midget around and raise them to think you're their god.


The Siamese Car

I was thinking about a car where they model the back to look exactly like the front of it, and when you're driving on the highway and an aggressive driver is speeding and passes everybody and approaches your car, the person will think he's screwed because there's another car coming right for him on the highway.


Ketchup injected fries

They should make french fries with ketchup injected inside them, that will make the munchies just that more cleaner


Least popular video game ever

A first person shooter video game where if you die in the game, the game is over...I mean totally over. You need to buy a whole new copy if you want to play again. And if you get shot in the arm or something, you can heal. But it takes as long in real life. So you can't play the game for six weeks. Enjoy. And be careful

Fuck The Police. at 8/24/2009

The largest street gang in America.

I'm normally not one to hate on the police, after all, it's just a job and they gotta deal with alot of shit, but this kinda stuff makes me wanna go on the rampage and gun them fuckers down.

The Largest Street Gang in America

.. you say you love me. at 8/23/2009

Internet Justice AHOY at 8/22/2009

So the bulk of story goes like this :

Some mentally challenged dude says to guys at an auto-parts store next to Bobby Joe Blythe's dojo, that he's gonna teach there. Says that he was taught by Jesus.

Blythe hears this, invites the guy inside, humours him, before letting one of his black belts beat fuck out of the guy, possibly killing him, then throwing his body in a dumpster out back.

It was recorded. Here's the video, with more info and links and shit below.

4chan and the internet vigilantes have got his personal details/address etc.. already, so it's just a matter of seeing what comes from it. Dudes deserve to be fucked up and jailed at the very least though.



News story

Info :

The instructor is a known bully Bobby Joe Blythe. He is 63 years old and lives near Fresno. He is currently a flight instructor. In 1984 he taught martial arts, including training body guards. He was well connected with the VA law enforcement and military, so he had friends.
Bobby Joe Blythe 559-584-9315 989 Robin CT Hanford, California


The attacker is Willie J Dennis, currently residing in Florida. He is up for charges soon on a separate assault case.


Quote from Blythe :

'This dummy was in my shopping center while I was on a Bodyguard Job in Washington, DC. This guy was in the Pizza Hut eating pizza off the plates of others and the Pizza Hut Manager ran him out with a pistol. Later the very same day, police officers were called to remove him from a nearby pharmacy after having been caught reaching into customer's purses. A short time after that, he visited a Napa Auto Parts store next to my Karate Dojo and told the management he planned on teaching in that Dojo and that Jesus taught him.

'The Napa guys told him he was confused (their polite way of warning the man against such action), but not wanting to miss a show, they told the man they would close early just to watch and that he must not know the owner, which is nobody to play with.. Needless to say, the police pulled him out of the dumpster behind my Karate Dojo where he was neatly placed. Semper Fi to all my Marine brothers. The karate student in the white is also a Marine Sgt. and a brand new Black Belt. Never get stupid with a Marine, you could get jacked up and have your clock stopped.'"

The X-Factor is shite. at 8/22/2009

GTFO my telly set you pile of wank.

Good music. at 8/20/2009

WHEN I RAISE MY TRIGGER FINGER ALL YA FUCKERS HIT THE DECK!

Find these trainers for sale in the UK. at 8/14/2009

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ. I want.

Girl of the week : Alison Stokke at 8/13/2009

Allison Stokke is a college women’s pole vaulter and is one of the best in the USofA. She is also smoking hot. Born 1989.

I would smash the shit out of her. am i rite?

Requiem For A Dream at 8/11/2009

I'm snapping my neck to the DnB remix of the Requiem For A Dream soundtrack atm on Jewtube hurrr, and I figured if I can turn just one person onto the film, then it's all good. So this is my RFAD recommendation post. You best go fucking buy/download it.

It's like the comedown version of Trainspotting, (which doesn't sound too appealing but still..) and just as good if not better.

I cried watching it, it left me kinda numb for days afterwards. And I'm super manly mind you. I shave with the pelvic bone of Chuck Norris and shit, chew lead like motherfuckers chew tobacco. But it messed me up, trust.

Seriously.. it's a must see.

#65 in IMDB's top #100 list, so you knows it's good.

Thought Moments. at 8/11/2009

This is beautiful. No homo.

Sloth in a box. at 8/09/2009

I should be a millionaire by now. at 8/07/2009

Really.

I came up with the worlds greatest idea yeaaaaaaaars ago. Get this. A pedal for your toilet seat. Like a pedal bin yeah, but for your loo seat.

Think about it. How many times have you had your girl moan at you for leaving the seat up? Think about the germs and shit you're getting on your fingertips when you lift the damn seat up for a piss.

2 markets cornered right thurrr. The hygiene & female markets = DOLLADOLLABILLSYO.

(Yeah, you could say you always wash your hands anyway after a piss.. but c'mon, how many guys actually do?)

It sounds stupid at first yeah, like when I would excitedly tell people about my idea and how it's gonna change the world, they'd initially think it was a joke and gimme a weak laugh, but then, as I built up to my cresendo of awesome their face would change into a mixture of awe and amazement coupled with 'Why the fuck didn't I think of that?'.

And so, why am I not bathing in Cristal and snorting coke off some models tits in a swanky mansion?

1. I'm a lazy cunt.
2. I'm a lazy cunt.
3. Some not very lazy cunt patented the idea already.
   

Last year see, after watching Dragon's Den and American Inventor and seeing these retarded ideas get investments from those annoyingly smug rich bastards, I figured I'd finally change the world with my idea.

Market it, have every new house fitted with one as standard and live off the royalties forever. It would be as big as the microwave.

Then I actually stopped drinking/smoking and sneaking onto golf courses and looked up patenting my idea. Some other cunt already had.

Also, a few weeks later and I saw some guy present a similar thing to the judges on American Inventor.. and he got laughed off as a joke segment. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

A few have been made, but they've never caught on. Why? Because I'm not selling the shit is why.

I'm tellin' ya, it could change the world if it was in the right hands, I'm just a good few years too late.

Story of my life. at 8/06/2009

I'd like to say it's because I'm too good for any girl but it's more like I take any cunt home at 4am.

Bashy, I salute you for capturing my life so perfectly.

The best 2 minutes of comedy ever. at 8/02/2009

This guy is a legend.. I've been in tears for 20 minutes replaying it.

If anyone can find out who the guy is or more of his stand up, I'll pay you. Like really, cash cash.

Gym at 7/31/2009

I need to join one.

No more warm beer. at 7/31/2009

Holy shit yes.

Chill your beer/coke in 2 minutes.. using scienceeeeeee.

No more waiting for 'em to get cold in the frezzer, 2 minutes and you're good to go. I love clever people.

Elevator Psychology at 7/30/2009

This is just brilliant.

I always feel a bit awkward in an elevator funnily enough, but from now on I'mma try and notice these little things.

Enjoy.

Cage's new track is sick. at 7/29/2009

Directed by his real life buddy, Shia Le Puff.

Obviously he's moved away from the hardcore rap of old, but this indie shit is awesome IMO, this track makes me wet myself in a good way.



Also, this is my 50th blog post! BOOYAH!

Prison ruins society. at 7/27/2009

A mate of mine came outta prison Monday, after serving a few months for stealing a motorbike. He's a good lad, a bit thick and easily led, but good underneath it all.

He's been in and out of prison since 15, when he made the brilliant decision to petrol bomb a policeman as he left our estate's police station,(Found an old article hurr : CLICKY), and is always getting into trouble, but deep down he's alright. I'm sure you know the type of person I mean.

Anyway, he knocks my door while I'm in the bath, is let in, and comes into the bathroom all high as a kite asking me if I want a line. It's like 11am (which is far too early for my eyes to be open, let alone have a line), so I'm like 'Nah I'm good mate, whatchu got? Good coke?'

'Nah, gear.' he says.

So I'm like whaaaaaaaat? He says schmack.

Mind = blown.

WTF man. So the stupid cunt smokes junk in my living room while I'm in the bath, I get out and give him a bollocking and he's all like 'Nah man, I only do it once in a blue moon' etc.. etc.. and I'm shot to shit mentally, 'cos I know the daft cunt is gonna turn into a junkie.

Prison man, ain't good. He was on the drug/alochol wing even, where they're supposed to sort out your addictions and shit.

He was a big cider drinker, a few litres a day, and fair play to the prison services they did manage to get him off the cider, except it's straight onto fucking heroin. Jesus christ man. I feel terrible for anyone who goes to prison and has no willpower. You go in smoking weed, come out a fucking crackhead. No doubt HMPS release some report about how they got so many inmates off weed per year, but fail to mention they just jumped ship and started recreating scenes from Trainspotting instead.

God help you if you go in a junkie. They'll probably let you OD and die and then mark you down as another guy they managed to stop from taking heroin again.

FUCK PRISON.

Anyone who says prison is soft, easy, or brags about going to prison is a knob. 1. You got caught. 2. You're fucking retarded.

Pregnant. at 7/23/2009

I might have some girl up the duff.. holy shit. This ain't good at all man.

She said she'd get the morning after pill, and I was drunk and happy to fuck bareback in my drunken stupor, but man, now I'm sober I feel like shooting myself. DUMB CUNT.

I hope to God it's swine flu or summut, but morning/night sickness, a pregnancy test (negative) in her bag and just illness all over.

Been a week or so since the deed so the test could still say negative before the little bastard evolves or whatever right? I ain't got a clue tbh, I just know how to fuck and how to put on a condom, just not the two together obviously. FUCKFUFKCUFCFJSDJ

I don't like this feeling.

The tar in 400 cigarettes. at 7/20/2009

Man, I need to quit smoking.

Look at that shit.

Yawn. at 7/18/2009

Someone caught me while yawning, and the dude on the TV is like wtffff.

Made a cool photo.

CLICKY TO SEE.

I do have a conscience. at 7/17/2009

Man.

As much as I try and just be blahzay about everything, sometimes shit comes back and makes me realise how much of a cunt I can be.

My mate wanted to get on some bird but he didn't know her, so I jumped her best friend and shit, got us all going out as a foursome, got them hooked up, and it's all good.

Now though, I gotta fuck her off. Sounds simple, but this bird has got it bad, so much so that I've taken the piss completely and now I feel rough having to explain it to her, because she is a good person, just not yummy.

She gave me a new phone, bought me crates of beer, chinese takeaways etc.. loads and loads.. and all I did in return was nick fags off her every 2 minutes and make excuses not to have sex.

Now, tonight, my mate and her are over with beers and she's all on me, but I gotta end it.

Hard though, I never figured it'd phase me but I feel like such a cunt it's retarded. They've gone to the shop atm to get more drink, so I'm pouring my heart out to blogger.

I'm gonna have to explain it's not happening to her for sure, but it'll ruin the night.

& more importantly, she might take her phone back, then I'll be fucked. :(

Babies + Rollerskates + Rapper's Delight at 7/16/2009

= awesome.

Fcuk Evian though.

Do My Thing at 7/08/2009

Awkward Boners. at 7/03/2009

Because it's hard being a guy.

http://www.awkwardboners.com

Nas is GOAT. at 7/03/2009

Disagree? You're wrong.

This is my morning hype song.

Michael Jackson Died .. at 7/02/2009

.. and he totally ruined Hitler's birthday celebration.

(Full Screen it for best results.)

Tattoos at 6/22/2009

I've caught the bug.

I got a little pin-up the other day [HURRRR], and since then I've just been wanting more and moreeeeeeeee.

Money is a bastard though, they're expensive. Like retardedly so, what's the deal?

One shitty one I had done when I was like 17 I want covered up and made into a sleeve, but it's difficult finding the right design since covering black is only possible, well, with black.

It was supposed to say PHIL, which is my name obviously, but I went in pissed up and came out with PHJ£ somehow. [HURRRRR]. Classic mistake I'm sure, and it made for a few good stories, but 99% of the time it's a reminder of how much of a moron I am, and how beer is no good.

But, I think I've found a sweeeeeeeeet design to cover it, just gotta fuck around a bit and get it to fit. It has flowers and shit, but I'll backhand any cunt who calls me girly and start tattooing notches on my arm for every person I knockout.

Looky.. the black bars the koi is on = whats going to cover the letters. Genius right?



I'mma book it tomorrow and report back.

Pussywhipped. at 6/12/2009

So a pissup tonight, planned a week ago, has come crashing down because my mates missus is playing up and not letting him out.

"Go out, but you won't be coming home" etc..

Am I wrong in thinking the best course of action is just to say 'Psssh, fuck you, it's been planned, I'm going' .. go out on the lash, get fucked up and deal with the shit in the morning?

Actually, if it was me, I'd do the above, then backhand the bitch when I got home for being such a fucking moron.

Maybe that's why I'm single.

MY FAVOURITE SONG OF ALL TIME. at 6/05/2009

If you don't like this you're a faggot.

This tune makes me go through every emotion possible in the short time it's on.

Euphoria ftw.

Pill days.. oh my days.

I'm getting a new tattoo Friday .. at 6/03/2009

.. because I'm cool.

Why so serious Em? at 6/02/2009

So MTV & Bruno play a little prank on Eminem, resulting in the dude literally walking out of the awards show.

Personally I'd be honoured to have the ass of Ali G & Borat in my face.. what's the deal?

The song of my summer so far .. at 5/24/2009

I get my dance on when the summer sun comes out.. heavy tune.

So Relapse dropped .. at 5/24/2009

.. any anyone who isn't a complete moron realised Eminem sucks beyond belief nowadays. Shock, horror.

To take away the pain of knowing that shit will still sell millions, I be bumping his old beef's classic.

Perfect date music 'n all.. candles, wine, bang this on in the background and you're getting laid.

I'm still bumming .. at 5/22/2009

.. Kingpin.

Dude is sick.

Life. at 5/20/2009

That's just how the troubles go .. at 5/14/2009

Inja. Sick man.

I'm now teetotal .. at 5/14/2009

.. for a week or two. Have to calm down with the drinking.

Not really for health reasons, more the fact that I'm a terrible drunk.. especially with women. Apologies all around when I wake up the next morning and read the abusive texts I receive and get told just what the fuck I was doing by my drinking partners the night before.

Sounds pretty typical really.. but the past few months I've managed to :

• Get beaten up, knocked out cold and mugged by a gang of girls at like 4am, middle of nowhere. (First 'all-you-can-drink' experience).
• Lost my wallet.
• Lost my phone.
  
• Given a girl a fat lip.
  
• Jumped 5+ taxis.. and hitchiked home when no more would take me.
• Slept in Marks & Spencers bins.
• Sent abusive texts to some bird.. followed by the classic line "Fair play yeah, come to mine and I'll fuck you rough n nasty how you like it."
• Almost got beaten up by some black dude, apparently because I said 'Oi.. are you gay?' out of the blue.
• Got an £80 fine for pissing in a doorway.

& I've been out probably less than 10 times. Not good.

I blame the all-you-can-drink nights. £8, knocking back any drink all night.. wtf do people expect?

I would say they should be banned.. but then I couldn't afford to go out and be an idiot.. so for now, they're awesome.

Oh Mr Sooooooooft .. at 5/13/2009

Who remembers this advert for Softmints?

I think every true Brit over 20 does, and either had nightmares over it, or secretly longed to be Mr. Soft.

I still do the Mr. Soft walk every now and again.. and the song, still in my head after so many years. TREBOR FTW.

The Pooter at 5/08/2009

Dunno why but something as simple as farting is the funniest shit in the world. At least to me.. but then I'm pretty immature.

But whoopee cushions are so 90's. The Pooter, that's the future.

http://www.thepooter.com

A genius called Jack Vale created it and has a running series on Youtube where he pranks people in public. Sounds pretty childish and kinda shit, but seriously.. watch.

This one had me in tears all morning.. watch the kids playing the game. BEST SHIT EVER.

I Need Money at 5/07/2009

Yeah.

I want hangovers again .. at 5/05/2009

What the fuck is with trading hangovers for feeling like some manic depressive, lost, retarded sub-human for a day or two after a good binge drink as you age?

It's not on. Fuck you body/God/brain/beer or whatever the cause is.. gimme back the pounding headaches, vomiting and toilet hanging of my youth anyday.

I've left my bed maybe for 3 hours since Sunday. Sleeping is about the only thing that's stopping me from cutting my wrists atm, and it's all beer's fault. Dunno why, but the past year or so.. I haven't had a hangover. Just this shitty depressive feeling for a day or two.

It's not like I've been drinking less or more maturely either. I still wake up in the morning, not knowing how the fuck I got home, usually to angry text messages from girls I know that I've either beaten up or tried getting on while they're sat with their boyfriend. £80 fines coming through the door randomly a week later for pissing on a tramp or something equally dumb but funny. (It'd be funny if it wasn't attached to a fucking fine anyway). & I've jumped so many taxis this past few months I'm struggling to get home from town half the time, running out of fresh victims.

So far from maturing and whatnot, I've been more of a drunken dickhead than ever before.

Which.. as I'm writing this.. might be the problem. Maybe I'm going too hard, too old.

God damnit, I wanna be 17 again. Fuck adulthood.

Hip Hop & Comic Books = DOPE. at 5/02/2009

Yeah.



Here's Part 1 also.. but Part 2 is my thing.

Ebenezer good at 4/27/2009

This is my tune from my pillhead days & maaaaaaaaaaan, does it make me miss my youth.

Dark.

Lol Wiggers. at 4/23/2009

Wiggers. Still about. Still funny.

Enjoy : http://lolwigger.com

I'm so dreamy .. at 4/18/2009

I dreamt I had a bottle of Dr. Pepper, ice cold, in the fridge.. then when I woke up and realised it wasn't really there I was gutted. Put a damper on my whole day.

UKHH at 4/18/2009

We do it better than those Yanks.

(Another music post, I know. I'll find something interesting to blog about one day soon).

Before Mad World blew up and hit the charts and shit.. UK heads dropped a sick remix on Manchester radio.

UK hiphop shits on US hiphop. Believe it.

Tom Vek at 4/18/2009

Who'da thunk it? Playing video games turns you onto good music.

This is my song breeeeh, gotta love GTA IV.

Tom Vek, you're the man.

Mr. Parker at 4/14/2009

I <3 this beat.

A night out in Cardiff, Wales. at 4/10/2009

I imagine it's the same in most UK cities, and pretty appalling, but going there alot for nights out myself since it's like 10 miles away from me, I can't help but feel a tiny bit of Welsh pride.

Here be the full set of pictures : CLICKY

And a few of my personal faves:

Why cats are better than dogs .. at 4/10/2009

Excerpt From a Dog's Diary...

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpt From a Cat's Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

This is spot on .. at 4/09/2009

.. but then anything can be attributed to anyone if it's vauge enough. Fortune tellers and astrologers in womens mags and that.. all bullshit.

Phillip Miles took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! ""Highly optimistic and outgoing personality. Love..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Songs I be liking today.. at 4/07/2009

Blackface - The Session



MF Grimm - Dedicated



Demastas - Ain't No Sunshine

& a quick faaack you to .. at 4/07/2009

.. Wetherspoons.

For ending their 99p pint offer at the start of summer.

Fuckers.

Fuck you, shampoo. at 4/07/2009

Yeah, semi-related to the Tragic Sex post, I went back to this girls house after a night out on Sunday. Lovely girl, feisty, (bitch gave me nosebleed.. no shit) tanned, good body etc.. but 'cos she shares a flat with others, we didn't have a room away from anyone else so as to do the business.

So she goes for a shower, & I follow & jump in with her after a few minutes just before she washed the shampoo out of her hair. All good, all like recreating those sexy shower scenes from movies and whatnot, bigging myself up in my head because I'm the man, switching shit up on the foldable shower seat (I know, right?), when with her hair flicking around a bit, a fat drop of shampoo flies right in my eye. I'm sure at first she thought I was shooting up in her or summut when I let out an 'Urghrghgrhgr aagragrga..'. Stuff proper blinded me for like 2 minutes, burnt like fuck, but we quickly realised what happened and fell about laughing.

It ruined the moment and put an end to movie sex in the shower, but it was a brilliantly comedic moment.

Next time though I'mma make sure it's 'Johnsons No More Tears' shit on the shelf, or they can just get themselves off with the shower head.

Fuck the TV licence .. at 4/04/2009

Slags. The lot of 'em. How can anyone justify having to buy a licence every year.. to watch TV. What the fuck is going on here?

After throwing countless letters in the bin and just giving them the finger for months/years, I got a knock on the door the other day. Half asleep, half idiot, I answered it and was greeted by some bloke from the TV licence company, who asked 'Can I come in?'.

Boooooooooom.

Retrospect is a bitch. If I refused there and then.. I'd be all good. But nah.. I was like 'Uhh, yeah whatever man' and let him in.

He inspected my TV, took note of what was on TV at the time (Diagnosis Murder.. that's how I roll), interviewed me under caution (no shit), and said I might have to go to court unless I start paying straight away. The prick.

Anyway, a week or so on and after throwing the new letters in the bin, I get one that's about court and how proceedings will start unless I get a licence NOW. Shit is getting serious.. and I realise that if I go to court I'll probably get fined around £500, can't see it being more than that, but then a licence is only £140.

Still, it's the principle. I'mma decide how I'mma play this the next few days, but I reckon I'mma gonna haveta pay summut. Or bomb the BBC, either or.

Tragic Sex at 3/31/2009

We've all been there. Whether it's farting in your partner's face as they're going down on you, or just not being able to get it up.. this lovely site lets you know you're not alone. Thank you.

http://www.tragicsex.com

Owls. at 3/31/2009

Added to my 'Reasons I don't go out at night' list.

The dark
UFOs
Black people
Owls

Vaginas at 3/30/2009

The other day I figured out why guys don't have vaginas. It's 'cos we'd stick shit up those things, always be permanently aroused and never leave the house. But then I figured out that if a guy had a vagina, he'd be a chick, and then I tripped balls.

Highcommentsdotcom.

Oh Summerbot .. at 3/29/2009

Summer Glau.



Apart from being every nerds fantasy, a somewhat geek herself who loves sci-fi and a goddamn ballet dancer (ooooo.. so toned and flexible), she is the hottest terminator in the history of robots. History of anything man.

Even though Sarah Connor Chronicles is a great series apart from a few slow episodes, I'd watch it even if it was as bad as Skins, just for Summer. (I fucking hate Skins btw. Bunch of hipster faggots and middle-class fucks acting out some Channel 4 execs idea of what kids are like today but totally missing the mark. If you like it, I hate you too).

But yeah, Summer Glau. Summerbot, Cameron Phillips, the terminator.. who, if you're John Connor, will do anything you ask her. Anything. Forget the idea that terminators are constantly trying to fuck you up.. you have this as your slave basically :



Fair fucking trade if you ask me.

Taking a dump in the fitting room .. at 3/28/2009

.. anyone ever done it?

Check out a lovely discussion on it started by a shop worker who found a steaming pile of shit in her fitting room at work : CLICKY.

The guy/girl who shat in a trainer and put it back on display is a legend.. bravo.

Also, this is my fourth fucking blog post in like 24 hours.. this shit is worse than Facebook. (But at least nobody I actually know can see how much of a retard I am by reading my thoughts eh?)

Cats rule at 3/28/2009

Cats are infinitely better than dogs. If you think otherwise you're retarded.

The amount of stick I get from mates and people who are like 'Uhhh.. you got cats?' is unbelievable, but truth be told, I love my cats like I love my sister. That sounds weeeeird actually, so I'll just say that I love my cats lots. <3

Anyway, I was reading some super girly but super cute 'cute' blog about cats.. which prompted this post.

Go see.

CLICKY

Also, next time someone says cats are for girls/faggots.. remind them that a lion is a cat and it'll fuck them up.

Clocks go forward tonight .. at 3/28/2009

.. whoever invented DST is a dick.

Things I'm liking .. at 3/28/2009

Wetherspoon's 99p pint




Literally, the best thing to happen for years. If you're like me and on a budget (read:dole), it's like having your salary doubled. Only one cask ale mind you, and it tastes like shit, but then I'd drink period blood if it was cheap and got me wasted. Only thing is, it leads to memory loss almost everytime you drink it.. or maybe I'm just getting old and can't handle my beer anymore.


Moisturiser with a HINT of self-tan




Yeeeeeeeeeeah.. before you go taking my cock back and calling me homo, think about it. Imagine a hot girl yeah.. .. now add a nice tan. Hotter still right? (If you already imagined a nice tanned bird, then you know the deal already).
Whether it's the same for men is debatable, but coming from Wales, where an inch of rain is considered summer, it's about the only way to not look paler than pale people.
& because it's not really tanning shit, just something with a HINT of tanning shit, it's acceptable for blokes. A little less embarrassing than buying diarrhea tablets or your missus' tampax or summut in Boots. The bloke who came up with it is a genius, no lie. (Bound to be a bloke 'cos women are thick).


Terrorists




Not like, proper terrorists and stuff, although they have great beards, but the ads they inspire. I was on the bus earlier on my way into town and I clocked this billboard : Clicky.

Nothing special about it really, except terrorists ain't gonna waste time with Wales, but I spent the rest of the journey giggling to myself and daydreaming about kids just sniffing the dregs out of the bottles and getting high. Easily amused I think.



& a special nod to the fat indie kid at the cashpoint who remarked to his mate "..that pidgeon must listen to rap music." 'Cos they nod their heads when they walk see. I lol'd anyway. So bad it was good.